What to Get the Man Who Has Everything

Kanye West

“Most rappers’ taste level ain’t at my waist level.” When someone writes lyrics like that, what can you possibly get them for their birthday? Kanye West, with the most rarefied taste in modern pop culture, doesn’t give a damn about basic things, basic women or even basic actions—and he will unabashedly tell you so, sometimes in front of millions of people. Just ask George W. Bush. Don’t forget, we’re talking about the guy who wore a bejeweled, full-face Martin Margiela mask during the Yeezus tour. For his wife on Mother’s Day, he bought a couple thousand roses and hired a string quartet to play Sam Smith songs. So baking him a chocolate cake just isn’t gonna cut it.

Kanye_West_connects_sideKanye was widely ridiculed when he likened himself to Steve Jobs in a New York Times interview, but the rapper resembles the late Apple founder in at least one regard: He’s absolutely obsessed with good taste, and he makes no bones about his pursuit of it. For Jobs, that meant designing tech products that raised mankind to a higher level, while burying the mediocrity of Microsoft. For Kanye, it’s the same thing for music and fashion. He wants to redefine excellence while becoming the most recognizable face in pop culture.

Kanye has been famously quoted as saying, “If you don’t make Christmas presents, meaning making something that’s so emotionally connected to people, don’t talk to me.” With that in mind, I’ve come up with five birthday gifts the man who has everything might actually want.

1. A hit as a producer in 2015. Kanye has produced both Rihanna and Paul McCartney this year, but, as big as they are, neither of them was able to spring a number-one hit. Since January Rihanna has released four songs produced by Kanye, and none of them are any good.

2. Beyoncé to win some damn awards. Kanye is a card-carrying member of the Beyhive and isn’t afraid to show it. If she doesn’t start getting some statues, Kanye’s gonna feel hurt.

3. That long-awaited duet with Taylor Swift: It would signify Taylor’s ultimate act of forgiveness.

4. Make roughly 135,000 signatures on the Glastonbury petition disappear. For my money, Ye is making the most exciting music of the moment, and he’s an amazing force as a performer. For the festival organizers, booking the biggest star in the world was a coup and the haters should recognize that.

5. His own planet. In defending Kanye, Glastonbury organizer Emily Eavis said, “The guy really, really, really is talented. He’s really trying to raise the bar. No one’s near doing what he’s doing, it’s not even on the same planet.” Kanye’s ego couldn’t agree more.

Big shout-out to hip-hop’s baddest birthday boy!

Photo courtesy of Everett